In Evangelical Abuse Situations Forgiveness Should Not be Practiced, Here’s Why

Forgiveness is often taught as necessary to release someone from psychological pain. Forgiveness is an important Christian principle. But what do you do when a victim is dealing with a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? Does forgiveness only result in a person engaging in more spiritual abuse? This blog would state that its time to re-think the issue of forgiveness in abuse situation which plague the evangelical Christian system.

“He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.”

Thomas Fuller

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV

In 2013 I dealt with a person who most likely was a sociopath. His name at this blog is “Andrew White” which is a pseudonym. The conflict was over him wanting me to go to his Sovereign Grace/Acts 29 church. In my mess, which triggered this blog, a false accusation from a USAF officer taught me why rape and sexual abuse is a problem in the military. This situation brought harm to a career, and harmed my family in California. When my Mom was ill and in a major medical crisis this false accusation mess, dragged on and popped up in a hospital room. I wanted to scream. As a refugee from American evangelicalism I was under the belief as well, that I needed to forgive Andrew White.

Forgiving an Abusive Evangelical Pastor/Christian

In the past decade plus there has been a lot of evangelical scandal, and there has been many dark stories that have emerged. From the sexual abuse crisis in Sovereign Grace, to Harvest Bible Chapel, to Willow Creek, to Acts 29 churches to Southern Baptist and EFCA churches. Many people are taught that they need to forgive their abuser, that forgiveness frees them and lets themself go. That forgiveness is not for the abuser, but its for the person who was hurt.

There have been stories of some survivors in some of these faith communities who publicly forgive the person who has harmed them. Or who caused their family deep psychological pain. And when this has happened its because some believe that Christ taught them to forgive other people. But the forgiveness in these situations is warped and creates problems as a YouTube video that I listened to challenged me.

Ramani Durvasula on the Danger of Forgiveness

Ramani Durvasula is a well known American clinical psychologist. She has been a professor of psychology and has appeared on a lot of media outlets discussing narcissistic abuse and narcissistic personality disorder.  Some of the media outlets you may have seen here is Bravo, Lifetime, National Geographic, and the History Channel. She has also been featured on programs such as the TODAY Show and Good Morning America. She has a practice in Southern California and teaches psychology at the California State University of Los Angeles. Her psychological training for undergrad comes from the University of Connecticut and masters and PhD from UCLA. She has published a number of books that you can find easily on Amazon.

Ramani has taught and you can see this in the video up above that forgiveness should not be practiced by a survivor to a narcissistic personality. She has pointed out that forgiveness has harmed the person, and gives the abuser a free “get out of jail” card to engage in more abuse. What troubles her about these situations is that the abuser, is leaving behind a number of broken and devastated lives. To forgive someone in that circumstance is empowering the abuser to engage in more abuse. It is better for the person to not forgive so they will not harm themself again. Forgiveness, as Ramani, says in the video above can be freeing for people. But that is only when the person is willing to be receptive and make changes in acknowledging abuse. And when I think about this this deeply makes sense. I have two situations in my life that stand in stark contrast.

In one there is an Air Force Officer who today is at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs who boasted of how much John Piper, Mark Driscoll, and Matt Chandler he listened to. Evan with his evangelical knowledge when he triggered that false accusation I endured it, and eventually he fled with the false accusation hanging over my life. An attorney told me what needed to be done. I approached Jordan Kauflin and Redeemer of Arlington and the situation in the end was not resolved. Andrew basically said, “Don’t contact me” and had no desire to resolve the situation. And despite it all from my understanding he speaks at fundraising dinners for The Navigators. This is a sick bastard we are discussing.

Compare that with another situation that went very differently. During the Christmas season in 2017 a close friend pulled back, said “don’t contact me” and went cold. It didn’t make any sense at all. He then initiated some contact quite a few months later. I was actually in Virginia Beach for July 4th, in 2018 when he sent me a number of texts and we exchanged some pleasantries. Then he asked if we could meet and have a beer and talk. In a sports bar he sat across from me and he started the conversation like this.. “Dave I’m sorry, I cut you off and treated you badly. I struggle with depression and have mood swings. In my life I have burned and lost some friendships. I don’t want that to happen here and I wanted to talk with you, explain what happened and ask will you forgive me?” I sat there just stunned because this happened a few years after the Andrew White mess and yet here was a situation that I did not see coming. We put aside what happened and today remain very close friends. This individual is not at all religious. But he is empathetic and has a great personality. I was amazed and deeply moved by his behavior and the fact that he cared about how he hurt me. In contrast Andrew White who spoke of his strong Christian faith really didn’t care what he did.

Jesus Is Wrong About Some of His Teachings on Forgiveness

It took me a few years to say this, but I think that Jesus is wrong in some of his teachings on forgiveness. Did Jesus’s teachings take into consideration the actions of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths? When Jesus said to forgive your enemy did Jesus intend to empower a person like Mark Driscoll, James MacDonald, or a youth pastor who raped a teenager in a youth group? If people really want to stop the cycle of evangelical abuse they would start by publicly not only talking about the abuse, but state that Mark Driscoll, etc… will not be forgiven. They will not let Driscoll go, and free him to abuse more people. For me this makes a lot of sense, and I can understand this deeply. To forgive a youth pastor who molests a member of a youth group is to empower that person to commit more sexual abuse. Does the ex Mars Hill community want to grow Mark Driscoll’s church in Arizona further? They forgive him and let him go of the abuse he committed in Seattle. In talking about the dark side of evangelicalism I think this is an issue we need to discuss and acknowledge.