In Blogging Sexual/Domestic Abuse is the Topic That is Hard to Process

The other day this blog heard a dark story about sexual abuse. Its been on my mind all day. This post is designed to look at the issue of sexual abuse in a general overview, but especially inside evangelicalism. This blog has dealt with sexual and domestic abuse before. This may be a hard post for you to read.

“History will judge us by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children.”

Nelson Mandela 

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

Psalm 103:13 NIV

For me its one of the hardest topics to engage and discuss. Its equally hard to listen and to hear the first hand pain from the family of a sexual abuse victim. And this blog has dealt with it again, again and again. Yesterday I met with someone who shared a very disturbing account. And its hard to process what you hear. This blog has some work to do, and I am trying to figure out how to eat an elephant so to say, because there are many different angles. But I wanted to explore the issue of sexual abuse in a quick blog post. 

Some Observations and Recalling a Couple of Encounters

Here’s some of what I have noticed when it comes to writing about sexual abuse. Many of the families who are betrayed are gold. Their faith stands out, and they are far from the type of people who want conflict. The life long mother who was active in a Southern Baptist church her whole life. The parents of a child who invested, gave, and sacrificed for what they thought was the spiritual development of their child. The evangelical parent who struggles to understand how a pastor or ministry leader who had all the right words could engage in behavior so sick and twisted. For all the stories I have written here at The Wondering Eagle, there are many that have not been written. 

I remember when I met the mother of a teenager who was sexually groomed. She was the most wholesome, sweetest, and one of the most amazing people I have met. She had an accent which reflect where she grew up. She shared her faith and what she was struggling with. How her husband was so angry over what had happened. I just sat there at a table in a Panera Bread just hearing the story. I also remember when the mother thanked me for what I was writing and said it was helping her family. 

There was the story of Community Evangelical Free in Elverson, Pennsylvania. I remember when I met with some of the people who knew the victim. One aspect to the story was the allegation that the senior pastor’s son had raped his wife while intoxicated. Some of the people who were friends of the family got very emotional inn recounting the story. And then I remember the time when out of the blue I got a text message from the victim who thanked me for taking on the story and writing about the issues within the EFCA. 

One of the most painful stories shocked me. It still shocks when I think of it. I was contacted once by a lawfirm in the Midwest that was working at bringing a lawsuit against Young Life at the time for sexual abuse issues. In researching this lawfirm found a post I wrote about Fairfax Community Church, a sex offender and an email exchange I had with Young Life. You can read the posts in, “Does Young Life Capernaum Take Child Sex Abuse Seriously? Remembering the Ongoing Employment of a Violent Sex Offender at Rod Stafford’s Fairfax Community Church” and “Young Life Statement on Eric Nickle Being Employed at Fairfax Community Church Despite Eric Being on the Virginia Sex Offender Registry.” After I became a whistle blower about Fairfax Community Church I later learned that an incident happened in Young Life at Fairfax Community Church years ago. And after I left Fairfax Community Church I eventually migrated to another evangelical church which this same family afffected also attended. In the church that I once called home, when the daughter told the pastor about the abuse at her prior ministry she faced church discipline, a rebuke and the parents were spoken to, The mother believed the senior pastor and spoke to the daughter about gossip IIRC. Later on the mother realized that the daughter was correct, and she was wracked with guilt that she believed the senior pastor over her daughter. The child and the mother had become a little estranged as the daughter pulled back from her parents. In a phone call a few years back the mother explained all this to me. And she wailed in pain and cried on the phone for about ten minutes. I was at a loss for words. 

Reasons Why People Do Not Come Forward

There are many things I have seen over the years and have learned in writing about this topic. People do not come forward for many of the following reasons

1. Some feel like they would be criticizing God or the church and are afraid of any issues being raised being interpreted in that context. 
2. Others call abuse “gossip” and “slander” and put the onus back on the person or family. 
3. Others deal with the stigma of said abuse. After all in a church culture that can not objectively talk about homosexuality what do you do in a conservative Sovereign Grace, Southern Baptist, Acts 29, EFCA church, etc.. when the male perpetrator assaulted a teenage male? 
4. Church leadership is not prepared for these issues. When a response to a claim is that “We’re an elder led church…” what can a person do? The deck is stacked against them by people more concerned about the church’s reputation. 
5. And in The Washington, D.C, area there is another reason why families struggle to come forward. I don’t think others in the United States may understand this as well, but let me try. There are many people in the D.C,. area who have security clearances tied to sensitive jobs. Maybe a parent works at the Department of State, Department of Treasury, Secret Service, or they are in the Department of Defense. Perhaps a parent works in the Intelligence Community and is at an agency like the CIA or NSA. When a Southern Baptist church mishandles or covers up a sexual abuse situation the parent may want to talk with a newspaper like The Washington Post. But because of her security clearance she has also signed a Non Disclosure Agreement which prohibits that person from speaking to the press. Years ago I had one situation where a parent was in knots over what happened. They wanted to talk to the newspaper, but they were afraid of running afoul of their employer. And their child needed the heath care ties to their job. 

Evangelicalism is Having a Crisis With Sexual Abuse

When I was an evangelical almost every church I called home had a problem or an incident. This happened either before I showed up, while I was there, or after I left. Its deeply shocking to stop and think of how deep the problem runs. In my view I don’t think many evangelicals are taking this subject seriously. It why this blog writes about it from time to time. When you write about the issues inside evangelicalism, one has to write about the issues of sexual or domestic abuse as well.