Happy Festivus! Today at the Wondering Eagle, in honor of D.A. Carson (it’s his birthday today…) we are going to celebrate Festivus! While Don celebrates his birthday its going to be a “Festivus for the rest of us!” I will start in the annual airing of grievances and then readers are encouraged to participate in the act. This year I also challenge Jerry Falwell Jr to a Feats of Strength!
“I find your belief system fascinating.”
“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.”
“Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!”
Today, December 21, 2020 is D.A. Carson’s birthday. While he celebrates his birthday we are going to have a Festivus for the rest of us! As long as this blog exists we will celebrate Festivus in honor of D.A. Carson each and every December 21. Before I get into the rules and begin the annual airing of grievances there are a couple of things I need to say in regards to the origin of the holiday.
Many atheists celebrate Festivus as you can read about in events like this, this and while this one seems political it shows that all can celebrate Festivus! Festivus is usually celebrated on December 23. However originally it can be held anytime. The very first Festivus was held in 1966 in the Daniel O’Keefe family. It then became a part of Seinfeld, which I would consider hands down one of the greatest television shows of all time. I miss it…just as I miss The Far Side, and Calvin & Hobbes. If you want to read about how Festivus became a part of Seinfeld you can read this article here. This website is also a gold mine as well.
So with that let’s commence!
We have the Festivus pole in the start of this post.
We also have the elegantly made and very ceremonial meat loaf laid on a bed of lettuce.
I will commence the airing of grievances and when I am done I will challenge someone to a feats of strength!
Now having written all that, let me say that there are some ground rules.
- This is satire and pure comedy so I am going to push the envelope a little but.
- Before you start the airing of your own grievances below I am going to ask you to watch the brief clip from Seinfeld so you can understand what this is about.
- This is a holiday for everyone! So regardless of who you are or what gripe you have, you are free to participate. The more participation the better.
David’s Airing of Grievances
I have a lot of problems with the Evangelical Christian world…now you’re going to hear about them!
D.A. Carson this Festivus is in your honor. You are a disgrace to Trinity Evangelical Divinity School! You attacked a rape victim a while back all to defend C.J. Mahaney!?! You taught at EFCA One in the past and regularly teach at EFCA theological conferences. And you come from a movement that talks a lot about manhood? You are not a man! You’re a coward and a blight on Trinity. Now go hid behind C.J. Mahaney’s ass in Louisville! And let us know if you are staying or going at Trinity Evangelical Divinity school!
Bryan Loritts talk about sleazy! You grease your way across the United States. Your nose follows money wherever it takes you. Voyeurism and child pornography from Fellowship Memphis be damned! You often speak of being a man. Isn’t it time you grow some balls and admit you covered up a scandal in Memphis before fleeing! Are you going to be a man or a pussy?!? Make up your mind!
Andrew Smith of The Bridge Fresno. Wow…talk about a loser. A COVID-19 loser! You know better than the experts and you decided to reject that at your EFCA church in Fresno. What happened? A COVID-19 outbreak ! Is that your idea of leadership? Your Thanksgiving gift to the The Bridge Fresno staff? 14 days of quarantine?!? You are also close to Bryan Loritts this blog would call you to grow some balls as well.
Bob Kauflin of Sovereign Grace Louisville, why are your lips still planted on the ass of C.J. Mahaney? Can’t you be more original in a shady business scheme? More original then leading worship at an organization that has covered up child sex abuse as casually as McDonald’s makes a burger?
Jordan Kauflin following in your father’s footsteps I see! Running and fleeing scandals and problems. Are you still going to talk about manliness and responsibility. If you care to you can accept that you really screwed the pooch and contributed to my family’s pain. So much for church discipline from 9 Marks! Stop running to Atlanta and face a blogger!!
Jason Dees you needed to be more forthcoming about your COVID-19 infection. You lead a church and interacted with a lot of people. As you would not broadcast the news to the larger Atlanta area this blog will. Ass clown!!! Now go show your kids how to fail as a man!
David Platt, well, well, well. Whatever happened to that report on Scott Woods at McLean Bible? I am waiting!!!! Why does this blog have to stand in the gap and report what happened and name the alleged predator. Why does it do the job McLean Bible should do?! But will not.
Eric Metaxas if you are going to assault a protestor in Washington, D.C. do it right. As you carry on your Christian nationalist jihad you continue to show that you of all people didn’t learn a damn thing about Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Don’t you know how to do an upper cut? Loser if you are going to assault a protestor do it properly next time!!
Greg Strand of the EFCA in Minneapolis. Come on bro! You have conferences about abuse and then you give the platform to an abuser! Come on, you should be better than that? What will it take for the EFCA to take abuse seriously? Given your roots do I need to put this in Scandavian? If so I can do a follow up post and use Google translate. Come on punk!
COVID-19 go away! I want to visit the churches I write about. Get lost! Scram! Get the hell out of town and leave us and the world alone.
Mark Driscoll you continue to be parasite on evangelicalism. I am tired of writing about your sorry ass. You spent years discussing manning up in Seattle and yet you still run. In the spirit of the Mars Hill internal bulletin board I say the following. Pussy!!!!!
To the Christian pastors and churches who challenge COVID-19 restrictions over the year of 2020. Losers! Each and every one of you! At least this pandemic is showing us about how much you grift. And how you are about money! Professional grifters all of you!!
Robert Jeffress of First Baptist Dallas. You my dear fool are nothing but a fluffer! You are in the wrong profession and should be in the Southern California porn industry. Your drunkenness with power must compensate over over, umm. anatomy issues. You must have to make up for that issue. I don’t want to embrass you too much.
Chris Hilken of the EFCA’s North Coast Church. Yes this blog wrote about how you like to mark your territory on your wife by urinating on her. Sounds like a wholesome and healthy marriage (rolls eyes) I’m looking forward to writing more about you minus the golden showers in the shower. If you are credentialed in EFCA West than Tim Jacobs has a mess on his hands.
Now that I am done airing my grievances I have the feats of strength. Here are my feat of strength.
Jerry Falwell Jr you are a disaster! You couldn’t find your junk even if you were drunk sitting in the corner of a hotel room in Miami watching your wife Becky have sex with a pool boy! Loser! This blog recommends AA for your sorry ass. I am getting tired of your grifting punk! Its time for you to cease access to all private jets and yachts. By the way pull your zipper up! Ass clown!!
And with that I turn this over to you. You can have your own annual airing of grievances below!