Happy Festivus! Today at the Wondering Eagle, in honor of D.A. Carson (it’s his birthday today…) we are going to celebrate Festivus! While Don celebrates his birthday its going to be a “Festivus for the rest of us!” I will start in the annual airing of grievances and then readers are encouraged to participate in the act. This year I also challenge James MacDonald to a Feats of Strength!
“I find your belief system fascinating.”
“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.”
“Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!”
Today, December 21, 2017 is D.A. Carson’s birthday. While he celebrates his birthday we are going to have a Festivus for the rest of us! As long as this blog exists we will celebrate Festivus in honor of D.A. Carson each and every December 21. Before I get into the rules and begin the annual airing of grievances there are a couple of things I need to say in regards to the origin of the holiday.
Many atheists celebrate Festivus as you can read about in events like this, this and while this one seems political it shows that all can celebrate Festivus! Festivus is usually celebrated on December 23. However originally it can be held anytime. The very first Festivus was held in 1966 in the Daniel O’Keefe family. It then became a part of Seinfeld, which I would consider hands down one of the greatest television shows of all time. I miss it…just as I miss The Far Side, and Calvin & Hobbes. If you want to read about how Festivus became a part of Seinfeld you can read this article here. This website is also a gold mine as well.
So with that let’s commence!
We have the Festivus pole in the start of this post.
We also have the elegantly made and very ceremonial meat loaf laid on a bed of lettuce.
I will commence the airing of grievances and when I am done I will challenge someone to a feats of strength!
Now having written all that, let me say that there are some ground rules.
- This is satire and pure comedy so I am going to push the envelope a little but.
- Before you start the airing of your own grievances below I am going to ask you to watch the brief clip from Seinfeld so you can understand what this is about.
- This is a holiday for everyone! So regardless of who you are or what gripe you have, you are free to participate. The more participation the better.
David’s Airing of Grievances
I have a lot of problems with the Evangelical Christian world…now you’re going to hear about them!
D.A. Carson this Festivus in is your honor. You are a disgrace to Trinity Evangelical Divinity School! You attacked a rape victim all to defend C.J. Mahaney!?! You taught at EFCA One in the past and regularly teach at EFCA theological conferences. And you hail from a movement that talks a lot about manhood? You are not a man! You’re a coward and a blight on Trinity. Now go hid behind C.J. Mahaney’s ass in Louisville!
Ken Ham!! The Wondering Eagle is going to start a GoFundMe to buy you a one way plane ticket back to Australia. Why can’t Trump’s Travel ban apply to needlessly divisive Young Earth Creationists from Australia? Its about time your ass is deported to the land down under.
Franklin Graham I am disappointed in you!! Can you for one hour remove your lips from the Presidential ass of Donald Trump? Must you brown nose so much? What is the matter Franklin? Trump grab your pussy?
James MacDonald you couldn’t plant child pornography if you tried! You’re a mega church pastor get your corruption in order! Can’t you mishandle money in an even more notorious way?You pompous ass!! As they say in Hamilton you are sittin’ there as worthless as two shits. Hey James, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you where my shoe fits!!!
Rick Donald you still listening to that porn tape Rick? The volume is so loud I can hear it from another part of the country!
Daniel Montgomery formerly of the Sojourn Network in Louisville. You’re supposed to be more under the influence of Mark Driscoll? Where is your talk of blow jobs and conquering your territory!! Daniel I am not impressed with you.
Rod Stafford….the Senior Pastor of Fairfax Community Church. I’m disappointed that you put a violent sex offender, Eric Nickle in a position of trust and concealed it from the congregation. Deceit is deceit! Rod Stafford you showed me how corrupt Christianity can be! One more thing I am disappointed about. Dress your age, don’t dress like a man in his 50’s or older like teenagers do in 2017. Can you grow up Rod? Actually forget that last question you are incapable to learning.
C.J. Mahaney…I hear from people at SGM Survivors and other former attenders of Sovereign Grace that your church and church planting movement stinks! You talk so much about being a man, and then you flee. You’re a coward C.J. you hear me? I am waiting for the next move of your church plant. All you know how to do is run.
Robert Jeffress of First Baptist Dallas for all your talk about manliness you fall short! About 3 feet short!! Is your ego a part of small man syndrome? Or are you afraid of Trump grabbing your pussy also!
Elder Larry Cooper of McLean Bible in the D.C. area what happened to you punk? How could someone like you separate from the military and be 100% ethically and morally bankrupt. Who failed you? The U.S. Army or your Bible? Or was it the church? As Patches O’ Houlihan said in the American classic Dodgeball you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
Bob Kauflin of Sovereign Grace Louisville, why are your lips still planted on the ass of C.J. Mahaney? Can’t you be more original in a shady business then lead worship at an organization that has covered up child sex abuse as casually as McDonald’s makes a burger?
And to the parody account of Mega Church Pastor on Twitter. You want to sue me punk! Bite my ass!!! Clown!!!
Now that I am done airing my grievances I have the two feats of strength. Here are my feat of strength.
James MacDonald you are a disaster! You couldn’t find snow in the middle of f-ing winter! And you are one shady SOB in that you know how to run a crime syndicate over a mega church!! Wait there is still time. I am getting tired of this shit punk! Feats of strength now! Face your fears and fight a blogger. BTW….I still know where some of the bodies are buried!!
And with that I turn this over to you. You can have your own annual airing of grievances below!