Today is the second anniversary of Mom’s death. I am going to step away from the blog for a day as I deal with this process. I miss my Mom and wish I could hug her again and have that phone call.
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.”
“The death of a beloved is an amputation.”
Today, this is the closest way I can visit Mom’s grave and pay my respects.
I have dreaded this day for sometime and the other day I was laying in bed and staring at the ceiling watching the fan spin endlessly. I knew that the second anniversary of Mom’s death was coming up. And here we are, today two years ago on April 1, 2017, my Mom died.
I can’t believe its been two years. And I can’t believe that my life has been fractured and broken in such a way. Death is one of the cruelest and hardest aspects of life. At 44 why am I dealing with a situation that most people deal with in their 60’s? Why am I an orphan in my 40’s? Both of my parents died much sooner than necessary.
But today was a day of horror in 2017.
On April 1, 2017 I stood in the ICU and watched my Mom’s body shut down. It witnessed her blood pressure and more fail. I watched the ICU nurse hug my Dad and say “I’m sorry:” I had hung on to hope believing that Mom would get better and that didn’t happen. It was the first time that I watched death so intimately. And sadly it was not my last. It was a traumatic event.
This morning my sisters are attending Catholic Mass for my Mom. And one will visit the grave to place flowers. As I am on the opposite end of the country this is my way of telling my Mom that I love her. I miss her like crazy and wonder…will this nightmare ever end? Will the tears and grief lesson? I loved my Mom and I always will. That doesn’t change.