Today is the Second Anniversary of Mom’s Death

Today is the second anniversary of Mom’s death. I am going to step away from the blog for a day as I deal with this process. I miss my Mom and wish I could hug her again and have that phone call. 

“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

“The death of a beloved is an amputation.”

C.S. Lewis

Today, this is the closest way I can visit Mom’s grave and pay my respects. 

I have dreaded this day for sometime and the other day I was laying in bed and staring at the ceiling watching the fan spin endlessly. I knew that the second anniversary of Mom’s death was coming up. And here we are, today two years ago on April 1, 2017, my Mom died. 

I can’t believe its been two years. And I can’t believe that my life has been fractured and broken in such a way. Death is one of the cruelest and hardest aspects of life. At 44 why am I dealing with a situation that most people deal with in their 60’s? Why am I an orphan in my 40’s? Both of my parents died much sooner than necessary. 

But today was a day of horror in 2017. 

On April 1, 2017 I stood in the ICU and watched my Mom’s body shut down. It witnessed her blood pressure and more fail. I watched the ICU nurse hug my Dad and say “I’m sorry:” I had hung on to hope believing that Mom would get better and that didn’t happen. It was the first time that I watched death so intimately. And sadly it was not my last. It was a traumatic event. 

This morning my sisters are attending Catholic Mass for my Mom. And one will visit the grave to place flowers. As I am on the opposite end of the country this is my way of telling my Mom that I love her. I miss her like crazy and wonder…will this nightmare ever end? Will the tears and grief lesson? I loved my Mom and I always will. That doesn’t change. 

2 thoughts on “Today is the Second Anniversary of Mom’s Death

  1. Grief is hard. It’s confusing and frustrating and ending and final and yet beginning, too.

    I first met grief at a single digit age more than 40 years ago when one of my older sisters died after a short (less than three months) and severe battle with leukemia. I was only eight years old. Lynn was 12 years older than I. It hurts less, but I still miss her.

    Since that time, I have known the sudden loss of friends to car wrecks, parents to heart disease and friends and family members to various diseases and conditions. Its not been easy, but I have found rewards in having known them for the time we had together. And that would be my encouragement for you.

    You wont be able to move on from the loss of your mom. She’s gone and nothing will ever restore her to you. She wont be there at your 50th birthday and she wont be at your children’s graduation, in the event yoj have children. But….as much as it sucks to not have HER, you have her INFLUENCE. My mom had the habit of calling all of her children near dawn on their birthdays just to sing “Happy Birthday”. She had a pen pal or two that she kept for over forty years. She crafted daily, sewing mostly. She baked and cooked and volunteered in her community in addition to being gainfully employed. She gardened, She raised six children with her husband who was not healthy, wealthy or wise most of his days. And so….I call my daughter and friends to sing happy birthday early in the day. I have begun a pen pal relationship by snail mail. I craft daily, usually crochet….which is a skill she taught me about the same time we lost Lynn. I have taught others how to crochet and am humbled and honored by their creations-especially when they come to me and try to give me credit for things they made because I showed them how to do a single crochet a few months ago. I bake occasionally and try to make my lunches for work in her honor? I olunteer and go out of my way for neighbors and strangers, too. Why? To keep her INFLUENCE alive in the world.

    You cant get over losing someone. But you can et through it. I recommend you get thru it by sharing her influence and being thankful for the time you had.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry for the loss of your mom.I understand how this trauma changes you and how you view life. It has to be one of the most difficult experiences in life I ever went through. I was at one of the lowest points in my life when this happened. What makes matters worse, my church wasn’t there for me either. Too busy to have anyone pray with me or come to the hospital. That was another piece of evidence Harvest was beyond evil. Not much from anyone even when I reached out afterwards. I actually was grieved beyond words and felt I had no one. I started to question the very bible itself and didn’t know what I believed anymore. I felt God even abandoned me and that I was under huge spiritual attack. Often I cried in the middle of the night to God and sent prayer requests to other churches online.I realized sadly this was not a real church way before God exposed this evil. But God spoke to my heart even when I tried to close the door on him. He would speak to me in so many ways afterwards and shown himself to be very Real. He encouraged my heart to read his word and remember what he said about death. And believe me, this was done in a way that there was no doubt there was a living God. I began to be encouraged how he came to conquer death and provide a way of eternal life for those who believe in him. It encouraged me to know death is not final, but just a door into eternity. I meditated on the truth of God’s word and became very interested in Heaven and what happens to us after we die. Reading the scriptures I found tremendous comfort in them and from other trusted Christian’s who were genuine God loving people. The Lord really comforted me with John 14 below.
    Jesus Comforts His Disciples
    14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

    I pray God gives you this comfort and peace too as you remember your mom and her precious life. Daily I think about heaven and I can’t even imagine how amazing it must be. Jesus thank you for being our true Shepherd!

    Like

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