2018 was painful and filled with grief, loss and death. My hope on the first day of 2019 is a year filled with hope, joy and starting anew. Just a brief post to try and put things in perspective.
“Every moment is a fresh beginning.”
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
New Orleans, Louisiana skyline
Today is January 1, 2019. It’s the start of a new year. As l move forward l have to acknowledge how painful and difficult 2018 was as a year. In 2018 l was dealing with my Mom’s death and loss. Most of the year was hard but especially the first anniversary of her death. That was a day filled with a sick feeling in my stomach and tears. As l worked through all this we got bad news in regards to Dad. His brain tumor returned. Over the year there were trips to Stanford. The MRI scans contained news we didn’t want to hear. I was in Washington, D.C. during much of this news. Against all this my Dad wanted to travel. One sister helped take him to Chicago, Montana and Hawaii. I helped take Dad to New Orleans, Missouri and Kansas. It was hard to watch Dad decline over time. It was painful. Today I still can’t believe that the last trip with Dad would be to Missouri. Watching my Dad go into the hospital and die was traumatic. The grief counselor in talking this all over discussed how I witnessed a trauma. 2018 was filled with loss, death, tears and pain. And though I will never have either of my parents back, I want 2019 to be different.
2019 needs to be a year filled with hope, purpose and joy. I’ve experienced so much death in the last two years I don’t want to face it again in the near future. Whereas 2018 felt like night I want 2019 to feel like morning. In my life I want to hear the birds again, see the sun, and more. On this first day of the year that is my hope and its what I am going to cling to. While I am hopeful I am also going to face anniversaries as well. First Fathers Day without Dad, first St. Patrick’s Day, etc… To be honest I am fearing those anniversaries as well. Today I went and saw Aquaman with my sisters and enjoyed it. I am hoping that new memories can be made in the wake of the void of my parents’ loss. As a history nerd I am reminded of the talk Richard Nixon gave on the last day of his presidency on August 9, 1974. He spoke about how there must always be a new beginning. The young must know it, the old must know it, but there must always be a new beginning. And a new beginning free of loss, and pain is what I crave. But I want 2019 to be a year filled with hope and joy. Going into it that is what I am wanting.