A journal entry to my Mom. Just telling her how much I love and miss her. Mom’s birthday was the other day. I need to get some things off my chest.
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
Edna St Vincent Millay
“It’s hard when you miss people. But you know if you miss them, that means you’re lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.”
The family German Shorthair Pointer – Liesel
Its time for another conversation with you. I miss you like crazy and I feel the growing void in my life as time moves forward and you are not there. August 20 was your birthday. Cheryl and Dad went to the cemetery. Cheryl later texted me a haunting picture of Dad standing alone by your grave. For me its another reminder of a life turned inside out. Your birthday was hard to get through. In a conversation with Cheryl I suggested getting your favorite ice cream pie from Baskin & Robbins. That helped and Dad lit up. On your birthday Cheryl’s Facebook feed was flooded with pictures of your favorite bird – Cardinals and Hummingbirds. Was that you Mom? Were you sending us a message that everything is okay?
Cheryl also took Dad to Montana and he had a blast seeing so many people he knew. You know how our family is in Montana, with a long and deep history. A couple of times people asked if we were related to Isobel. And we heard some stories about Dad’s Mom when she taught. That tickled us pink Mom. Dad also went to Havre and we found the house he lived in. We also learned more about our family history up there. Dad also dealt with vertigo as a result from a fall that took place last year. They stayed in Havre an extra day until things resolved itself. But Dad saw so many people from Butte Central and Carroll. He had a real good time. Carroll announced its 60th reunion and Dad said that he wants to go. Cheryl and I agreed to take him there. I guess that will be my next trip to Montana in 2019.
You would not believe the way the house in Fresno is slowly coming together. Cheryl is doing a good job with it. And Dad likes it quite a bit. We’re finding new things here and there from your life. Today Cheryl found your Dad’s suitcase with clothing and a directory from International Harvester in Chicago. We speak twice a day as we manage this situation Mom. The dog is doing well. Elaine’s sent us a picture of Liesel when Cheryl and Dad were in Montana. I think its the cutest picture I have seen of the dog. You probably have seen it, but if not I am going to put it here for you.
My life has been filled with challenges as it always is. I had to have some emergency plumbing work done. I budgeted and planned for that to be fixed. Why is plumbing so expensive? I did shop around and found someone who did the job for about $250 to $300 less. The next thing I need to do is get the car fixed. I was the victim of a hit and run. It was reported to insurance and now the challenge is to get it fixed. With the plumbing done that it my next item to resolve. Oh and I also got a new dishwasher. It works fine and accomplishes the job. Another challenge is that I have had some health issues. I was doing MMA as you know and working at weight loss. Well I had a groin injury which led to a hydrocele, which led to surgery. A week later I was dealing with some health challenges and was in the ER for a follow up. They had to drain it again, after I was in the ER all evening. Kind of ruined the weekend Mom. I also had some challenges with the sleep disorder you know about. I saw a doctor for that again today.
I find myself reflecting back on you often. I miss your voice. Your smile and how you smelled. I wish I could hug you and look you in the eye and chat. I miss that deeply Mom. To have you gone is so hard. I keep thinking this is a dream and one day I will wake up and you will be back. That I will get a phone call from you or a text message from you. Mom, I would trade everything I have, all I own to hear your voice once again. You left us too soon, and it hurts. Death of a parent is one of the hardest things I have gone through. I wish this didn’t happen Mom.
I need to run, but please know that I will never forget you and that you will always be near to my heart. Dad and Cheryl are going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks. And then in October I am taking Dad to Missouri. I will write you another letter soon Mom. Please know that I am working to honor and respect your memory Mom. A few weeks ago I stretched $55.00 for six days. I thought of what your last words to me were. You told me to save my money, and I did do that Mom. Please know that I love you. You will always be my Mom. In death as in life we will never be fully separated. I love you Mom.