On the eve of the Holiday season an open letter to my Mom who I miss deeply. Since my Mom’s death on April 1, 2017 this is the first holiday season that she will be absent from.
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell .”
Edna St Vincent Millay
This is the only way I communicative to you since you left us on April 1, 2017. I miss you like crazy and I feel an incredible void in my life. Its been a hard time. I keep expecting you to call or text me and instead there has been nothing. The other day I was cleaning in the dining room and I found your St. Patricks Day card from a couple of years ago. I found it, and it means a lot to me. But its hard not having your presence around. I am realizing how deep your presence was in my life. I have had several times where I wanted to call you and share developments. Changes in life, playing volleyball in a sports league near the base of the Lincoln Memorial, to how the remodeled bathroom is going. And the reality is that I can not do that at all Mom. I have found myself in time adopting your practices and habits. For example I am not a coffee drinker, but now I find myself having coffee, and having it like you did Mom, with cream. I find myself being drawn more to things that you used to do or like. Its puzzled me but it appears to be the new reality.
Now the holidays are upon us and I dread them Mom. This is the first time that you will not be here. I dreaded getting on the plane and facing some of this again. This also Mom was the first time I traveled to Fresno, California and you were gone. All the other times this year that I traveled here you were with us. I can’t sleep now so I want to get up and write you this note. Your presence is all around us. From your clipped coupons to notes all over the place and more. Your presence is here, and yet you are not. Why is that Mom? I ask for the strength to help get through this Holiday season. I am going to go and see your grave on Friday. I don’t think the cemetery is open on Thanksgiving. Mom…I would give all that I have to have one more conversation with you. I would give away my car, model trains, housing, and all other belongings if I could have one more conversation with you. To hug you again. To hear you say “youhoo…” To look you in the eye and talk with you. What I would do to have that conversation with you. I miss you Mom, and I miss you so deeply that its hard to accept this new reality. I am going to try and get some sleep, I had a long flight on United Airlines today and I am exhausted. I am exhausted and yet I cannot sleep. I don’t get that and then I find myself thinking of you Mom.
I love you….
I love you……
I love you Mom….
I always will love you.
I need to try and get some sleep.