Tonight I just want to use the blog as a journal to write a letter to my Mom. Recently I found some of her voice mails on my computer and she asked me to call home. This is me doing that and calling Mom.
I have been wanting to speak with you so in this new situation this is the format that I will be doing it. Mom recently I stumbled across a few of your voice mails in my email and I cried so hard. You asked me to call home and speak with you. What I would do to do that today Mom. I miss and love you dearly, and with each passing day its hard. How does one forget someone who molded, shaped and was involved in my life for 41 years? How does one go forward when someone as so important and key as you is not there? There is a lot I have to say Mom so let me get started.
Remember how when we were driving from California to Wisconsin in 2000 that we stopped at the Eisenhower Library in Abilene, Kansas and it was closing? You were disappointed and you said that you always wanted to go. Remember that Mom? Well I finally went on Memorial Day weekend. I did it for you. While I love history, the fact of that matter is that I did it for your memory. When I was there Mom I almost cried because it was something that I wish you could have seen. I visited and had a good time in Kansas and Missouri. I saw and stayed with James Crestwood in Salina, Kansas. You remember meeting him when he worked on Capitol Hill. I feel fortunate to have such a good friend in my life Mom. I love Kansas Mom, its rolling hills and open sky. I could see myself there quite easily to be honest with you. Missouri was also neat and I had a good time there. I went and saw the National World War I museum. Dad wants to visit Missouri in the future and I would like to take him to the World War I museum in Kansas City, as he would love that.
Dad has had some challenges recently. As you probably know he fell outside and was in the hospital for a while. He hit his head on the curb when he went outside with the dog and was half asleep. The medical tests are all good no fracture and no internal bleeding. I offered to come home and help out. Dad is in rehab center now and he is doing better and is going to be discharged sooner than we thought. My goal is to get him up and moving again and that day will come. Now he is in a walker but that will be temporary for him. He is in good spirits and he is doing well. I check in on him twice a day. He’s starting another World War II book about the Battle of the Bulge. You know how much he likes military history. We’ll I have offered to read it with Dad and discuss it with him as a way to encourage him to read more. Right now he thanked me but we’ll see what happens in the near future. We are still planning to go to Montana at the beginning of August. Cheryl and I are going to take him and let him reconnect with all his friends. We really want to make this trip be about him and allow him to do all he wants to do and see. Butte, Montana is our family home and that is where Dad likes to go. What will be hard Mom is that you will not be there with us. After your death there are a lot of firsts that I am discovering. This will be the first time that we will have gone to Montana without you.
There is other news that I want to tell you. I wish I could tell you this in person Mom, but your last words to me were save your money. Your Mom from Chicago influenced you quite a bit as a child of The Great Depression. Well I went up to the YORK train show and I thought about what you said. I really didn’t spend much of anything as I wanted to honor your desires Mom. I saved my money and really didn’t buy any model trains. I finally got the bathroom fixed at home. Remember how the wallboard was rotted and the tiles were starting to have a problem? We spoke about it and then everything happened with you and your illness. So I had the the shower replaced and I have a bathroom that is half new. I guess next year I will finish it. I used the money I saved up, as well as my tax refund which I put aside and Dad wanted to help out a little bit. I texted pictures to the family and I wish you could have seen them. One other thing to share, I saw a couple of movies, one was the latest Transformers which wouldn’t interest you. Then I saw the movie about Churchill. I had high hopes but was profoundly disappointed. The movie portrayed Churchill as a man who disagreed for the sake of disagreement and who fought needlessly with Eisenhower. It also showed him as someone opposed to the Normandy landings as he thought it would be an unnecessary blood bath. In the movie theater I fumed at all the historical revisionism and after the movie saw that many historians trashed it. I wish I had known before hand how bad it was as I would have saved my money and skipped it.
Mom I miss you a lot. I think about you daily and I miss you deeply. I miss your voice. I miss your phone calls. I miss how you would get on the phone and say “the crab is in…” I miss your texts. I miss your hugs when I saw you. I miss you so much Mom. Life must go on but how does it go on when a pillar of your life is now gone? How does life move forward? Your finger prints are all over my life. They are in my apartment, career, doctor’s decisions, and more. You have been an amazing gift in my life Mom. One that can never be replaced. How I wish I could spend time with you again. I am trying to honor you in my life in so many ways. Visiting the Eisenhower Library in Abilene, saving my money and seeing more musical theater. Recently I saw Ragtime at Ford’s Theater. You would have loved it Mom. The music, the acting, the sets and more. How I wish I could have told you about it. Cabaret is coming to the Kennedy Center, and The Sound of Music is there now. I can’t see all the shows as it is pricey, but I am going to try and see Cabaret before I goes back on Broadway.
I have been meaning to do this letter to you for a few days, but I was trying to figure out what to say in my mind. As I said earlier I found some of your voice mails and you asked me to call home. This is me doing that Mom. I just want to write you and say I love you. I care about you. You have been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I miss you and I want to give you a hug. I was so proud to have you as my Mom. I wouldn’t ask anyone else to assume that role. My life and heart are full of you Mom, that is how you impacted me. I would give the world to have one more conversation with you and see your smile. I will write you again in the future. Please know that I love you. I promise you Cheryl and I will take care of Dad. We will look out for and help him. He is in good hands Mom. I remember how much you liked Celine Dion so I will leave you with one of her songs.
I love you Mom.