For Mother’s Day a letter to my Mom who I deeply miss. This is the first time in my life I am not interacting with Mom on Mother’s Day. I have dreaded this day and yet I still want to wish Mom a happy Mother’s Day.
I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day. I just want to pick up the phone and call you and thank you for all you did in my life. You know Mom I stayed in bed late and am spending most of the day at home. The days leading up to today have been so hard. Seeing all the reminders in grocery stores, advertisements on television and radio and more have been hard. I miss you Mom deeply. A child should never be separated from his Mom. That is unthinkable. Each day has been hard and I have privately asked myself when do things get better? I spoke on the phone with someone the other day who lost his father. He said the pain for him was intense for the first six months. It seems as if for everyone it is different.
I want you to also know Mom that I am going to be heading off to Kansas for Memorial Day weekend. I will be in the Kansas City, Missouri area and then in Salina. When I had been traveling back and forth to California when you were ill and living in the hospital James invited me out to visit. I would gladly trade the inner hallways of a hospital and an ICU for seeing and working on a family farm. I am looking forward to standing on the Kansas plains and watching the sun rise. Can anything be more beautiful? I also know that in your life you wanted to see The Eisenhower Library in Abilene. Every time you passed through Kansas you stopped there to see it. And every time you got there when it was closed or closing. Remember how we got there in 2000 when we are driving from California to Milwaukee? We got there when it was closing. So I will go there and do it for you Mom. I am a history nerd in many ways. But this will be for you Mom. I am undecided on what to do in Kansas City..I am thinking of the WW I museum. I also will be seeing Scott as well.
Last night I was thinking of how when I was young we took you out for Mother’s Day in Fresno, California. I remember going to the Velvet Turtle as a young kid, and having the breakfast buffet which was done nicely. I remember giving you cards regularly. You know Mom this the first year I didn’t get you a Mother’s Day card. That in itself is hard. I also want to tell you what is happening in life and more. On Thursday I am going to be seeing the musical Ragtime at Ford’s Theater here in Washington, D.C. I am looking forward to that…that is one of the many ways I will remember you Mom. I also had the car serviced the other day. There was a major issue and I budgeted for it expecting that to happen. I feared the worst. When the dealership told me that my warranty covered it. I was thrilled. I wanted to tell you because I know how you feel about stuff like that. You’re very last words to me are to save your money. I did Mom! You would have been proud!
This day has been so hard. All I want to do is hug you and talk with you. I cried in my bed this morning. As I told my sister May is going to be a hard month because first we have Mother’s Day and then we have your wedding anniversary on May 23. We have to think of a way to get Dad through that Mom. As I promised at your wake, I will re-iterate here now. We’re going to take care of Dad and look out for him. I am calling him every other day. We are going to get him to Montana this summer for a few days. He wants to see Chicago, Seattle, Raleigh, Missouri and Washington, D.C. sometime. We are trying to figure out a way for this to happen. We’re still expecting your medical bills from the hospital, which is an unknown variable. If you can somehow,please tweak or do something that will help. My sister is nervous as she is helping now with the finances.
I want you to know that I think of you daily. I see Dollar Tree and I think of you. I grabbed dinner last night and I saw a raspberry desert on the menu and I thought of you. You loved raspberrys Mom! I notice some of your favorite artists in YouTube. I think of you often Mom and this has been hard. Death as I am learning violates life and so many parts of life. The family is being redefined. Roles and responsibilities are being redefined. Life has been very much defined. Relationships with your friends have been redefined. I have been in touch with many of your friends and am talking with them. We are also cleaning up the house as you would be thrilled. We cleaned up one of the storage units and and working through another. I got the family going on this path. I know from Heaven you probably are going to say “Youhoo…..you missed a box!” I cry when I think of that word Mom. You said that so much in life. You even said it in the hospital. Remember when I asked you to say “Youhoo” again? I miss you Mom deeply. Life has been permanently changed. What I would do to hear the sound of your voice again. Dad and my sister are going to go to the cemetery and lay a rose on your grave. They are in pain also. We all miss you. You know that pain in a way means that we all loved you deeply. That pain exists because love was there first. I am going to let you go Mom. Please know that this is my Mother’s Day call to you. Its all I can do at this stage. I have a lot happening in life and I will probably write you another note. Today is your day. You are alive in my heart. Dad and my sister are thinking of seeing the Celtic Woman in Fresno. You loved them a lot, so I am going to leave you with a song from their new album.
I love you Mom!