Quick note to Mom, and what I wish I could tell her.
“The hurt your feeling Dave is probably the same hurt your mom felt with the loss of her parents. She felt the same pain and her parents before her did too. It is just our time now. I know my time is coming to walk on the same path your walking on now. May God give you strength. If you need to talk you have my number.”
Text message from a friend of mine from the Boy Scouts and San Joaquin Memorial football team
My Mom in Nursing school in Chicago in the 1950’s. My Mom is the second from the right.
I want to speak to you. I miss you. Its weird to have your absence at the dinner table and to see all your notes around the house. After we left the hospital Saturday evening after losing you Cheryl turned on the radio and heard you all time favorite song. Was that you Mom? Did you do that to tell us all will be okay? I have been in shock and I haven’t slept much and haven’t eaten much. We are drowning in food from the neighbors and friends. We are all feeling lost right now. And we are all being hit by the reality of things. I fear for my Dad in that he lost his partner after 53 years.
But this is what I will miss.
- You saying “Youhoo….” like you always did. You said that my entire life and did that in the hospital as well.
- Your home cooked meals from lasagna, to Swedish meatballs, to stuffed bell peppers. I realized that due to your illness and living away from home the last home cooked meal I had from you was in January 2015.
- Your phone calls.
- Your text messages
- Your unique perspective and outlook on things.
- Your love for me. I wish I could hug you again and say that all will be alright.
- My birthday is coming up and I won’t hear from you. That tears me apart.
As things change that list will grow…with each passing day Mom I realize all that has been lost. You were not the only one who died in the ICU at St. Agnes Medical Center on Saturday evening. A part of me died also. I don’t feel the same at all. I feel this big gaping hole inside of me…like something was torn from me that never should have left. I can’t tell you the times I wept or drove around in a daze the other day. I see and hear things that remind me of you.
I want you to know that your favorite priest will be handling your funeral. I have been working with the funeral home and Dad and Cheryl to make everything right. I have spent so much time on the phone and meeting with some of your friends. Everyone is in shock. I want to let you know Mom that it was a pleasure to help you in your illness. When I left the Fresno airport and went to your hospital room in December of 2016 I knew we had a serious medical crisis. That is why I came back three more times to help you out. Feeding you, helping with medicine, and holding your hand and playing with your hair and kissing you forehead was so important to me Mom. Remember how you told me that after I was born you held and coddled me as the doctors finally determined I had asthma? Well these past four months were my turn Mom. It was my turn to hold you, coddle you and kiss you. To cry with you when you suffered and to be by your side. I heard from Cheryl how much you appreciated my help. It was nothing Mom. You are the reason why I did what I did. I am mentally drained and exhausted and it felt like I also lived in the hospital. But I did if for you and to help you in your time of need.
I want to tell you Mom that as I helped take care of you now I will help take care of Cheryl and Dad. We already put a plan together to get rid of the storage units and clean the house. We will do it to honor you. I hope in the future as you can see progress you can let us know that you are happy somehow. The truth Mom is that I am in deep pain. I would trade all I have, absolutely everything to hear your voice again and have one more conversation. That’s all I want. But this is my promise to you Mom…we are going to help Dad get through this. I have been walking with him, and hugging him constantly. Dad wants to go back and visit Chicago, Missouri, Duke and Montana. I am going to make away for him. Please know that I love you Mom. I miss you so deeply I feel so numb. My emotions are all over the board these last few days. I am so grateful for the friends and people who have reached out to me. I had a conversation with a friend in the middle of the night. And I have plans to go visit Kansas in the next couple of months and work on a farm and escape all the memories of the hospital scene.
I miss you Mom. I so miss you…what I would do to have one more conversation.
I love you,
BTW Mom in planning your funeral we are including the following song in it as it was your favorite. It is my favorite now as I think of you in my heart.