Happy Festivus everyone! This is the second annual celebration of Festivus at The Wondering Eagle. In honor of D.A. Carson we will celebrate the airing of grievances! From Steve Estes, to Bryan Loritts and John Bryson to Mark Driscoll there is a lot to complain about people! Lets air our disappointments about evangelicalism!
“I find your belief system fascinating.”
“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.”
“Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!”
We have a treat for you Seinfeld fans! Happy Festivus! Today, December 21, 2016 is D.A. Carson’s birthday. I choose D.A. Carson because he models much of what is wrong in evangelicalism today. After all back in 2013 a man in his 70’s went after and criticized a sexual assault victim from Sovereign Grace Ministries. All that to defend C.J. Mahaney. You can read that bastardized response from Carson in this Gospel Coalition statement. While D.A. Carson celebrates his birthday we are going to have a Festivus for the rest of us! As long as this blog exists we will celebrate Festivus in honor of D.A. Carson each and every December 21. Before I get into the rules and begin the annual airing of grievances there are a couple of things I need to say in regards to the origin of the holiday.
Many atheists celebrate Festivus as you can read about in events like this, this and while this one seems political it shows that all can celebrate Festivus! Festivus is usually celebrated on December 23. However originally it can be held anytime. The very first Festivus was held in 1966 in the Daniel O’Keefe family. It then became a part fo Seinfeld, which I would consider hands down one of the greatest television shows of all time. I miss it…just as I miss The Far Side, and Calvin & Hobbes. If you want to read about how Festivus became a part of Seinfeld you can read this article here. This website is also a gold mine as well.
So with that let’s commence!
We have the Festivus pole in the start of this post
We also have the elegantly made and very ceremonial meat loaf laid on a bed of lettuce.
I will commence the airing of grievances and when I am done I will challenge someone to a feats of strength!
Now having written all that, let me say that there are some ground rules.
- This is satire and pure comedy so I am going to push the envelope a little bit.
- Before you start the airing of your own grievances below I am going to ask you to watch the brief clip from Seinfeld so you can understand what this is about.
- This is a holiday for everyone! So regardless of who you are or what gripe you have, you are free to participate. The more participation the better.
- While you can complain about anything, even the existence of this blog, I am going to complain about some of the people I have written about this past year!
Eagle’s Airing of Grievances!!
I have a lot of problems with the Evangelical Christian world…now you’re going to hear about them!
Merle Stoltzufs….I hear from people in Elverson, Pennsylvania that Stoltzfus Enterprises stinks!
Merle I also hear that you can find a border guard on the Kenya/Tanzania border that is less corrupt than Stoltzfus Enterprises!
Al Kimball I am disappointed that you never returned any of my phone calls this year! What are we? Are we a man or a tool of Steve Estes?
Steve Estes I hear that the employment criteria for Westminster Theological Seminary is that one must be the quarterback coach to guide a questionable and unethical church discipline through a church! If so you’re hired as you’re corrupt enough!
Bryan Loritts when will you finally act like a man and come back to Memphis? All this talk about responsibility and you hightail you gospel centered rear end out of town when your alleged illegal acts of cover up at Fellowship Memphis are exposed!
John Bryson can you cut all the manhood crap out of your program? Does a real man run and hide and plead for money all while purchasing an extravagant home? (Yup that will be a post next year John!)
C.J. Mahaney your Gospel Centered rear end is still running. When is that rear end coming back to Gaithersburg, Maryland? You’re humble? Humility my ass!
Andy Gingrich of Fairfax Community Church..I hear Vladamir Putin is looking for an authoritarian governor in the Eastern Ukraine. Ever thought of applying for the position?
Rod Stafford I still can’t believe you put a violent sex offender in a key position at Fairfax Community Church! Did you major in corruption at Anderson University?
James Walden of Riverside Community Church, what is the deal with you not responding to my Tweets? You going to be a man or a wus?
Mark Driscoll what is your penal obsession? I see you are re-launching Real Marriage in a sermon series in The Trinity Church in January. No more talks about oral sex..is that possible with you Mark?
David Platt you are overrated and unqualified to lead the IMB. You got that position through cronyism and your Calvinist connections in the Southern Baptist Convention! No IMB for you!!
And finally for the feats of strength I am going to challenge both Jonathan Leeman and Mark Dever from Capitol Hill Baptist Church to a wrestling match! Come on Mark..be a man and wrestle a blogger! Stop crying you wus!!
And with that I will turn the Festivus open for you for the next two days!