Happy Festivus! Today at the Wondering Eagle, in honor of D.A. Carson (it’s his birthday today…) we are going to celebrate Festivus! While Don celebrates his birthday its going to be a “Festivus for the rest of us!” Eagle will share his annual airing of grievances and then readers are encouraged to participate in the act. Eagle also challenges Mark Dever to a Feats of Strength!
“I find your belief system fascinating.”
“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.”
“Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!”
Today, December 21, 2015 is D.A. Carson’s birthday. While he celebrates his birthday we are going to have a Festivus for the rest of us. As long as this blog exists we will celebrate Festivus in honor of D.A. Carson each and every December 21. Before I get into the rules and begin the annual airing of grievances there are a couple of things I need to say in regards to the origin of the holiday.
Many atheists celebrate Festivus as you can read about in events like this, this and while this one seems political it shows that all can celebrate Festivus! Festivus is usually celebrated on December 23. However originally it can be held anytime. The very first Festivus was held in 1966 in the Daniel O’Keefe family. It then became a part fo Seinfeld, which I would consider hands down one of the greatest television shows of all time. I miss it…just as I miss The Far Side, and Calvin & Hobbes. If you want to read about how Festivus became a part of Seinfeld you can read this article here. This website is also a gold mine as well.
So with that let’s commence!
We have the Festivus pole in the start of this post.
We also have the elegantly made and very ceremonial meat loaf laid on a bed of lettuce.
I will commence the airing of grievances and when I am done I will challenge someone to a feats of strength!
Now having written all that, let me say that there are some ground rules.
- This is satire and pure comedy so I am going to push the envelope a little but.
- Before you start the airing of your own grievances below I am going to ask you to watch the brief clip from Seinfeld so you can understand what this is about.
- This is a holiday for everyone! So regardless of who you are or what gripe you have, you are free to participate. The more participation the better.
Eagle’s Airing of Grievances!!
I have a lot of problems with the Evangelical Christian world…now you’re going to hear about them!
D.A. Carson this Festivus in is your honor. You are a disgrace to Trinity Evangelical Divinity School! You attack a rape victim all to defend C.J. Mahaney!?! And you hail from a movement that talks a lot about manhood? You are not a man! You’re a coward and a blight on Trinity. Now go in the corner and hang your head in shame!
C.J. Mahaney…I hear from people at SGM Survivors and other former attenders of Sovereign Grace that your church and church planting movement stinks! You talk so much about being a man, and then you flee. Why do two women in North Carolina (Dee and Deb) have more balls than you? You call yourself a man? You’re not a man….you’re a coward! Just a simple coward and nothing more!
Tim Challies…you couldn’t practice discernment if you wrote a book about it!
Dave Harvey…it’s my understanding that you disciplined individuals in Covenant Fellowship while your own son went wild, and your family is incredibly dysfunctional. Are you called to be a Pastor? Hell no!
Mark Driscoll….when I’m done with this blog there are going to be a lot of people run down. Corrupt, decadent fools like you. That mark across your chest will be from Eagle’s bus, when he’s done driving it there will be a lot of corrupt pastors and church leaders under the bus. And damnit when I am done by God’s grace there will me a mountain of corrupt pastors corpses in his wake. Mark Driscoll you will be one of them.
Ken Ham!! The Wondering Eagle is going to start a GoFundMe to buy you a one way plane ticket back to Australia. Why can’t Trump speak about banning needlessly divisive Young Earth Creationists from Australia?
Jonathan Leeman you don’t get it do you? 9 Marks is a failed polity. I give you and A for effort an a damn F for practice. Jonathan…like I wrote about you are reasons 3, 4, 16, 48, 75, 89 why we need a new reformation.
John Folmar you’re treatment of Todd Wilhelm is a disgrace! Now be a man and run and hide behind Mark Dever like C.J. Mahaney did! Spare Dubai of your crap. The United States has exported enough cults.
Rod Stafford….the Senior Pastor of Fairfax Community Church. I’m disappointed that you put a violent sex offender, Eric Nickle in a position of trust and concealed it from the congregation. Deceit is deceit! After being away from Christianity for half my thirties thanks for showing me how corrupt parts of Evangelcialism can be. And again…sorry for interrupting your mancation in Kenya with Andy Gingrich. The next story I break from FCC I’ll try and do at a more convenient time.
David Horner of Providence Baptist in Raleigh. You put a fine lady, Dee Parsons and her husband through hell all in allegedly covering up a child sex abuse scandal. You’re a cheat, a fraud, and thank God you’re getting out of ministry! Now if only C.J. Mahaney will follow you!
The Gospel Coalition…is a monument to corruption. It’s support of questionable people who I wouldn’t trust to babysit goldfish is heinous. With Gospel Centered “money” all things are possible. When oh when will The Gospel Coalition join the Soviet Union and East Germany in the dustbin of history?
Star Scott of Calvary Temple….for the hell you put Ellen Kusar, Michelle Freeman and the beautiful family of Molly Fitch through; you stink! You are a fraud and you should be in ministry as much as serial killer Ted Bundy!
Now that I am done airing my grievances I have the feats of strength. Here is my feat of strength.
I challenge Mark Dever of Capitol Hill Baptist Church to a wrestling match. Come on Mark….are you afraid of a blogger? I’m still wondering in light of all the money C.J. Mahaney threw around did he give you money and corrupt you as well? That’s a question I have. But let’s settle this once and for all! Prove that you are a man, let’s wrestle!! Prove to me that your not weak!
And with that I turn this over to you. You can have your own annual airing of grievances below!